Sunday, October 19, 2008

emotion is bad, believe me

It's not for lack of material, I'm having a tsunami of experiences over here, it's that most of the experiences I am having don't translate well into blog-land, or maybe more accurately they don't translate well onto this blog. Perhaps an anonymous blog would be better, and I don't want to just give it up. Many of you actually ground me in ways you could never imagine, and I miss you.

I do believe that I'm standing in a different spot now. The view from where I am now is a little different. I am in a bit of awe...I have a little wonder. I am certain. I am fearful. I am climbing. I am washing all the floors in the world. I am accepting this task.

I hate bringing up the past for fear that I sound like I’m blaming someone or something for the way that I am now, but in this instance, I think it has a significant bearing. In simple terms, I was raised by a mother who doled out severe repercussions for having emotions. Growing up, I cannot recall an instance of being hugged or consoled when I was upset, nor was I ever asked what may be upsetting me. Instead, any tears or sad faces were met with yelling from my mother demanding that I smile and be happy.

But this strategy didn’t work so well for me in the real world when I started coming into adulthood. It didn’t work with other people. It kept me from developing deep relationships with people, kept me from talking about myself, kept me from connecting with people, kept me from experiencing life fully. I didn’t know how to handle all the emotions that come with growing up, with change, with the adult decisions that I had to make and how to be in adult relationships.

Suddenly, what had once proved to be an effective coping mechanism was about to burst – everything I had so skillfully masked was about to be exposed for all to see and that was not something I was ready or capable of dealing with at the time. Unfortunately, I always ended up burst them out to people that i know, but never they are people who I loved the most.

Now that I believe in the saying that the people that we love are the people who will hurt us the most. Seriously.....Come on, emotion is bad. So good luck with your emotional'll come out a lot at first and then balance itself out...don't worry

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